Pain to Empathy

Trigger warning, there are mentions of abuse.  

I’ve lived a life that, much like many people in the world, has led to a plethora of mental illnesses. That being said, I know there are people out there who have it much worse than I do. However, just because “it could be worse” doesn’t give anyone the right to invalidate your pain and experience.

It’s because of this notion that I wish people were kinder about different life experiences, regardless of whether they relate. There are no medals handed out at the struggle Olympics, and if anyone ever misled you on that front, I’m sorry.

This is what I think we all need to remember:

1. Yes, there are two sides to every story. However, context matters. Context MATTERS. If a child in a parent-child situation has been wronged and subjected to years of unnecessary mistreatment, there’s only one party that knows better and should be the bigger person. Something I’ve never subscribed to is the idea that a child has to mend the relationship with their parental figure. It’s wrong and is why many adult children go no contact with their parents.

If someone is opening up to you about childhood trauma, it’s not your place to throw their vulnerability in their face and talk about them being biased or that there are two sides to every story.
2. It is better to side with a liar than a potential predator.
If someone has been sexually abused, harassed, or assaulted, it’s not your place to ask why they never spoke up. It’s not your place to be dismissive about someone’s very traumatic experience. Yes, people should not lie about sexual assault, but if you ever find yourself quick to call someone a liar on this particular issue, I suggest you check your misogyny.

Something I’ve come to understand is that it’s actually not that hard to show empathy without having the full story. It’s not that hard to sit and listen without victim blaming or accusing someone of self-pity. In a world where people preach about basic human decency, I’d say it’s painfully hard to come by. There’s so much we’ve become desensitized to and so much we’ve decided to nitpick in the name of progressive feminism and wokeness. 

But I’ll say it: there are a lot of shitty people out there, people who use psychology terms and other tactics to make others feel bad about themselves.

I’m no saint, and I’ll never claim to be. People make mistakes, yes, but some things just don’t need to be said. Being surrounded by little girls and adolescent sisters, and even looking at my daughter, my heart and mind twist at the fact that I’ll never be able to protect them from the things I’ve gone through. It eats away at me when I look at the 7-year-old who calls me Aunty Tswaki and I recall how I was as small as she is when I was first sexually assaulted by a family friend, or how I was bullied when I was my sister’s age. All this happened at different stages of life while I was raised in a loud and dysfunctional environment, where the art of silence was quite literally beaten into me. I’ve been invalidated, I’ve been dismissed, and ‘put in my place’ by people close to me at different points in life, and I currently sit here asking myself what would’ve been wrong with those people showing a bit of kindness.

This post didn’t go in the direction I thought it would; it initially came from a place of anger about current circumstances. But it has left me wondering how I’ll show up for my daughter and the people I love in the event that I become something I hate, like the types of people mentioned above. All in all, I hope you experience the kindness you deserve today, Reader.

All the love, N.