A word or two…

I want to start by saying that you don’t have to—and probably shouldn’t—center anything or anyone outside of yourself. That said, romantic relationships are a part of life. For many people in their 20s, these relationships may be their first serious ones. Also, there’s no need to apply heteronormative expectations to your relationships. Societal norms are just that—expectations, not rules. They’re a state of mind, and you have the freedom to define your relationships on your own terms. So maybe… just maybe, consider not asking people you barely know for relationship advice.

As my friends and I get older, we can’t help but notice how bizarre it is that our elders warned us about everything except adult relationships. If you’ve watched Bridgerton, then you might recall the scene where Daphne confronts her mother, Violet, for not properly informing her about marriage and intimacy. That scene sums up a frustration we’ve all felt at some point. We weren’t properly prepared. And clearly, many others weren’t either—otherwise, why are so many people out here calling random couples they know nothing about “couple goals”?

Romantic relationships are incredibly intimate and unique to every couple. While some experiences may resonate with you, at the end of the day, you need to understand that the version of your partner you see isn’t what everyone else sees. And honestly, not everyone will understand your relationship the way you do.

I don’t mind having lighthearted conversations about things like long-distance relationships, but people have gotten way too comfortable asking for detailed advice. While I understand the desire to seek counsel, I don’t necessarily see how getting advice from someone outside of your situation is always helpful. Every relationship is different, and what works for one couple may not work for another.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t confide in close friends—there’s value in that. But sometimes, it’s okay to keep things to yourself. What you’re able to tolerate or work through in a relationship might differ from what others are willing to handle. Things can go left real quick when you have one too many opinions about your love life. 

Before I had my epiphany about “adult relationships,” I was that friend—the “just leave him” friend. I didn’t even need to know the whole story. But now, I’ve reached a point where I’ll joke with my friends that I’m mad at them for making me defend a man. Call it growth, if it pleases you.

The reality is, everyone has different standards when it comes to dating, and once you’re past a certain age—21, maybe?—the dating game changes. It requires a lot of growth and a deep understanding of what you actually want from a partner. And no one else’s relationship is going to teach you that.

Another thing to keep in mind: what other people are doing has absolutely nothing to do with you. If you find yourself surrounded by friends who are talking about marriage and babies as their next phase in life, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you for not wanting the same—whether it’s right now or ever. Your life is your own, and so is your path. How you map out your romantic milestones is entirely up to you. I have friends who are ready to get married and friends who aren’t even thinking about it. We’re all at different stages, but somehow we’re also in the same place. That shouldn’t alarm you.

I’ve had to heal from a lot when it comes to romantic love (unfortunately, love bombing works on me—I love love). And I’m sure someone out there has had to heal from me, too. My standards are built around my experiences, what I’m willing to tolerate, and, just as importantly, what I’m not. At the end of the day, those standards can only come from me—and yours can only come from you.

You don’t need Ciara’s prayer—you need your own.