Stop Blaming Women for the Way Men Act

Why is it that when a man fails as a partner or father, the first instinct isn’t to hold him accountable—but to blame the woman who trusted him?

Blaming women for men’s behavior is not only harmful but also a blatant form of victim-blaming that upholds the very systems enabling this behavior in the first place. Yesterday was International Women’s Day—a day meant to celebrate and uplift women—yet, as expected, some people…I won’t say who (men), took it upon themselves to derail the conversation. What’s even more disappointing is the number of women who joined in, reinforcing harmful narratives that place the blame on women when men reveal their true nature.

This is especially common when it comes to relationships and co-parenting. The moment a man is exposed as neglectful, irresponsible, or outright harmful, a chorus of voices rushes to blame the woman. “She should have known better.” “She should have chosen wisely.” “She should have left sooner.”  

Hao? 

While there are certainly times when red flags are visible from the start, the reality is that many women enter relationships with men who present themselves as decent human beings—only to later discover they were dealing with someone who clawed their way out of the depths of Tartarus itself.

“Women choosing poorly in men is systemic and necessary to uphold the patriarchy.” 

…HUH? 

While personal accountability is always important, the idea that women alone are responsible for the way men behave is absurd. It shifts focus away from the real issue: that men must be held accountable for their own actions.

What makes this even more frustrating is the condescending I told you so energy that people—especially those on the internet—bring to these situations. As if the woman in question isn’t already fully aware of the choices she’s made. When a child is involved, trust me, she knows. She’s living it every day. She’s the one picking up the pieces while the father in question is out doing the absolute most. So why do people feel the need to pile on, acting as if they have all the answers?

Do you know the strength it takes to leave a dynamic that clearly doesn’t serve you when all you wanted was a life with someone? Do you know the courage it takes to walk away from a situation that society already blames you for, knowing that no matter what, you’ll be the one judged?

We’ve all seen it: a woman leaves a toxic or abusive situation, and instead of being supported, she’s met with judgment. “Why did you have a child with him?” “Why did you stay so long?” Rarely does anyone ask: “Why did he treat her that way in the first place?”

The internet has made people way too bold when it comes to telling others how to live their lives. It’s easy to sit behind a screen and spew opinions when you’re not the one in the situation, not the one making impossible choices, not the one carrying the weight.

At its core, this culture of blame does more than just harm individual women; it reinforces the very structures that allow men to evade responsibility. It creates an environment where victims of abuse are told they should have spoken up sooner, acted differently, or simply made “better choices”—rather than focusing on the undeniable fact that the real problem is the man who made the choice to harm in the first place.

Next time you see a woman struggling to co-parent with an absent or harmful man, resist the urge to judge her. Instead, ask why men are allowed to fail as fathers and partners without consequence. Ask why we keep shifting the blame onto women when the real issue is right in front of us.